Gary Gaydarr and the Vibrator's Batteries
by Conrad's Lover
Summary: REVIEW! Gary aka. Gay Harry. OC, OOC, random occurances, humour and randomness based story line, parody of the 1st movie. Innuendo galore and you get to see Dumbledore get his leg humped more frequently than he would like
1. Princess Drive

Chapter 1 – Princess Drive 

It was in the early hours of the morning in London on the quiet street of Princess Drive, that the life of a young boy, Gary Gaydarr would be decided.

Professor Fondleknob, the most powerful Masturbator in the world, appeared from behind a large stone statue of Michelangelo's David. He had been groping the statue for many an hour and grudgingly stopped long enough to pull from his pocket, a lip gloss wand. Fondleknob lifted the lip-gloss wand in the direction of the quietly humming streetlights. A small glob of gloss expelled from the wand and began wobbling slowly through the air. The wand let out another glob, and another, each moving towards the lights that lined Princess Drive until all the lights had been covered and dulled by the gloss globs.

When at last the final streetlight was covered in gloss, Fondleknob turned to a small black pussy. The pussy was sitting patiently on the sill of one of the nearby houses and let out a soft "Bark!"

The black pussy jumped down from the sill with a huff and walked directly towards the observer. Professor Fondleknob gave a slight wink to the pussy, which immediately ran at him, and started humping his leg. The old Professor went ass up, his legs flying into the air, sending the black pussy skyrocketing into a nearby tree.

"Damn horny cats!" exclaimed the distressed Fondleknob as he pulled himself together.

As the Professor straightened his long black velvet robe, another pussy walked up to him.

"Get back psycho kitty!" Fondleknob rasped, trying to keep his voice low.

But this pussy looked as though it was convulsing or getting ready to chunder. Professor Fondleknob shielded his face, preparing for the blow, but the pussy began to enlarge, and was, in minutes, a fully-grown woman.

"Pull yourself together Professor Fondleknob!" giggled Professor Macgonorrhea, "It's just me. I dared that other pussy to hump your leg, and you should have seen your face!"

As Macgonorrhea again broke into laughter, a light ringing could be heard in the distance, and quickly became louder.

"It must be Fagrid," said Fondleknob flatly, resenting Macgonorrhea for her joke.

"I wonder if the child will still be alive, after having Fagrid drooling all over him!" exclaimed Macgonorrhea as she began chortling with amusement.

Moments later, Fagrid, the 12ft tall 'midget' gently landed the bright pink, lace covered vehicle. But the moment the tricycle came to a halt, all three wheels fell off.

"I've been meaning to fix that," said Fagrid, red with embarrassment.

He picked the heavily blanketed child out of the pink and yellow flowered basket on the front of the bike, and handed him to Fondleknob.

"The little queer fell asleep just as we were riding over Butplug," Fagrid smiled.

"Well it is for his benefit that he grows up here, away from our world. Most Fuggles don't accept our ways, and besides, there are the rumours," explained Fondleknob.

"What rumours Professor?" asked Macgonorrhea, "The ones about you and I?"

"No-one is stupid enough to believe that, you fanny-lickin' dike!" protested Professor Fondleknob, "I am talking about the ones surrounding the child."

Professor Macgonorrhea and Fagrid followed Fondleknob's lead to the garden path of number 13 Princess Drive without another word. Fondleknob laid the small child down at the Dickweed's front door. At this point, Fagrid began to cry. Fondleknob interrupted Fagrid's sobbing.

"Remember Fagrid, this is not really goodbye for 'Gary Gaydarr'."


	2. Jugley's Pheasants

**Chapter 2 – Jugley's Pheasants**

"WAKEY WAKEY, HANDS OFF SNAKEY!" screamed Gary's overly obese, fat arse, large breasted, inconsiderate piece of fat cousin, Jugley. Jugley was the most spoilt, ignorant bastard in London, and for that Gary hated her, I mean, him.

(A/N: I tend to get a bit gender confused sometimes… Sorry 'bout that!)

For the last ten years, his Uncle Vageon and Aunt Pussytuna had raised Gary. The reason being, Pussytuna was his mother's sister. His parents were killed by Lord Moldifoot, the most vile and evil Masturbator in the world, who was also at large for committing such crimes as wearing a skort, socks that didn't match, and, the worst of all, he never tzujed his sleeves (A/N: a technique where sleeves are rolled or pushed to sit just over the elbow). Anyway, I will get back to him later, now we are talking about Vageon, Pussytuna and Jugley.

Today was Jugley's 11th birthday and he wanted to go to the Zoo. But everybody knew it was to watch the tortoises hump. So anyway, the little bastard ran up and down the stairs a few more times and Gary eventually took his hands from his pants and got dressed.

As he walked into the kitchen, Aunt Pussytuna glared at him.

"Just cook the breakfast, and try not to fuck anything up you little cock-sucker!"

"Yes Aunt Pussylicker!" replied Gary, sniggering.

"It's Pussytuna, you little screw-ball. I want everything to be perfect for my Juggles special day!" sang Gary's Aunt as she walked behind Jugley.

She covered Jugley's eyes with her hands, something quite difficult to do when you consider the size of his head. She led him into the living room, where Uncle Vageon had just finished placing the last of the boxes containing his birthday presents.

Aunt Pussytuna quickly lifted her hands away to reveal the mound of boxes on the living room floor.

"How many are there?" screamed Jugley.

"942, counted them myself, same amount as the rolls on your stomach, son!" grinned Uncle Vageon; pleased his son was to take on the family eating trait.

Jugley opened the first to reveal a pheasant. See, Jugley loved eggs, but more specifically, pheasant eggs. However, Jugley had not yet eaten breakfast, and therefore took the liberty of eating the bird alive! He then opened another box, and another, consuming the poor buzzards before they got to see light again.

"Get my Jugley some bacon!" squealed Pussytuna to Gary "Can't you see he's hungry? And bring the vacuum, there are feathers everywhere!"

About an hour later, they pulled up at the London Zoo. Jugley leaped out of the car and gave himself a black eye when his breasts bounced and hit him in the face. In seconds, the tub of lard was out of sight.

(A/N: Yes, I do realise someone with such a body mass should have more trouble running… meh.)

Vageon called Gary to the back of the car. "Here, grab these."

Gary put out his arms while his Uncle filled them with picnic baskets, drink bottles, picnic mats, pheasant eggs, half eaten pheasants and some bread.

"You, Pussytuna and I will have to buy lunch from the cafeteria, because there was only enough room for Jugley's lunch on the back seats and in the trunk of the mini bus."

See, Uncle Vageon really didn't hate Gary as much as everyone thought. Secretly, he had been taking pictures of Gary in the shower and while he slept 'in the closet' under the stairs.

(A/N: But we won't tell Vageon that we know… just yet)

Eventually when everyone caught up to Jugley, he was standing at the tortoise exhibit looking very disappointed.

"What's wrong dear?" asked Pussytuna.

"One of the big turtles died!" he sobbed and he began to cry. Everyone looked sadly at one another. "Which means that we won't get to see them hump!" Jugley continued, wailing loudly, and attracting stares from normal people of a normal weight.

"Let's go to the reptile exhibit. Gary… you always liked looking at that snake with one eye!" joked Pussytuna, not realizing she was directly poking fun at Gary and his sexuality.

(A/N: Although, I'm not sure if he really knows yet…I haven't decided… I'll let you know how that goes.)

Anyway, at the reptile pavilion, the Dickweeds and Gary were looking at a Burmese Python.

Jugley screamed through the glass "Move, you one eyed-prick!" not realizing what he had just said. Gary let out a small giggle.

But everyone knew why Jugley liked looking at snakes; it was because he missed seeing his own under the layers of breast and fat!

When the python made no sign of movement, the family continued on through the exhibit, leaving Gary to stare at the one-eyed-snake a little longer.

"I feel sorry for you, having to look at such offensive looking people. What is there to do for fun 'round here?" Gary asked rhetorically.

But the snake lifted its head to reply with "It's always good on occasions when I escape, to go and watch the tortoises hump!"

Gary didn't know what to say! At this point, Jugley realized the snake had lifted it's head, so he began to run for the enclosure, but his huge tits bounced up and hit him in the face yet again, sending his overly obese, fat ass, large breasted, inconsiderate piece of fat body into the air and back to the ground, making an earthmoving "CRACK!" Everyone in the zoo, and in the lower part of London was forced to the ground by the quake.

The vibrations of the quake gave Gary a hard-on and shattered the glass of the snake's enclosure. The half-sighted snake slithered its way out of the glass box in which it lived, towards Gary. Once it reached its destination, it began talking to his very hard penis with a really weird lisp!

"What the hell is wrong with you?" Gary questioned the python, confused as to how the snake thought his genitalia could converse.

"Just a little chat, from one one-eyed snake to another! Yes, I am indeed deprived!" answered the reptile.

"Well… what did it say?" continued Gary

"He too is quite deprived, and if he doesn't find a dark hole to hide in soon, he may be reduced to nothing!" explained the snake, concerned for his newfound friend's welfare.

Back at the Dickweed's home on Princess Drive, Aunt Pussytuna was tending to Jugley's black eye, and numerous other fat related injuries from the course of the day. Meanwhile, Gary was in the small closet under the stairs, attempting to awaken his penis to ask it some questions, because you see, Gary was now questioning his sexuality, and thinks his 'old mate' might hold the vital clue. But suddenly, uncle Vageon knocked on the door.

"Isn't it time for your shower, boy?"

**Author's Notes**

**RoosterEgg:** Yeah… Last line was kinda gross, wasn't it! REVIEW OR DIE... and if you have not yet reviewed chapter one, prepare for your cremation!

Oh, and keep an eye out for chapter three… it's complete, but I'm just too lazy to post it! Blame Sheikgoddess cause she's Beta'ing it for me!

**Sheikgoddess:** Mwahahahahahahahahahahaha! You will never get it you hear me never!

**RoosterEgg:** Hands over some pie 

**Sheikgoddess:** It will be in your inbox tonight!


	3. Gary's Letter

Disclaimer: I don't own Harry Potter:( I just own the hope that I will one day hold Daniel Radcliff in my arms:)

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Chapter Three – Gary's Invitation

About a week later, Gary awoke to the sound of the postman pushing letters through the thin mail slot in the front door. He left, ringing his little bell; a bell that Gary would swear he knew from somewhere else! He could hear Aunt Pussytuna trying to persuade Jugley to stop consuming the pheasants he got for his birthday, and give them time to lay some much-loved eggs.

Gary sat up on his mattress in the small closet, and then quickly tidied his hair, as he stood upright. He swung open the door and at the same time, collected one of the stray pheasant birds that in turn, went shooting across the room to end up on Uncle Vageon's head.

"Stupid Chicken!" mumbled Gary under his breath.

He walked quickly to collect the mail from the floor in front of the door. Gary looked through the letters, expecting that as per usual, there would be no mail for him, and he let out a sigh.

"Sigh." (Smart Ass)

But as he did so, he came to the last letter. It was in a really crusty ass envelope, and it had his name written on it, in fancy calligraphy style. The front of the envelope read:

_Mr. Gary Gaydarr,_

_(Why Don't You Come Out of) The Closet – Under The Stairs_

_11 Princess Drive, London_

Gary walked into the living room with the mail. He was so excited he had received mail, that he didn't even realize Uncle Vageon screaming.

"That Fucking pheasant SHAT in my COFFEE!"

Gary just kept walking to the kitchen table, where he placed the remainder of the mail, and began to open his letter. But Jugley quickly snatched the letter (which is usually pretty hard, because the very large rolls of fat that surround him make it difficult for his short arms to reach anyone).

"LOOK! Gary got a letter!" screamed the glob of fat as he ran towards his father.

But suddenly, he lost his balance, and fell straight onto his back, with the letter underneath.

When the crane arrived and lifted Jugley back onto his feet, Gary picked up the letter. It had been squashed to the size of a queen sized bed sheet. Unfortunately, the text had beenstretched and the paper was nowtransparent, makingthe letterunreadable. Gary immediately went to the closet under the stairs to sulk. As he had done, so many times before, Gary stared at the cutouts of men in underwear he had collected from the junk mail. But this time he did something he had never done before; he questioned why he enjoyed looking at men in underwear, when the other boys at school preferred women.

The following day like clockwork, the postman arrived, pushed the mail through the mail slot in the front door and left, ringing his little bell. He sat up on his mattress in the small closet and then quickly tidied his hair as he stood upright. Gary walked casually to the front door to retrieve the mail. However, this morning when Gary picked up the letters, he noticed there were two letters for him, among others, both exactly the same as the one the previous day. (A/N: if you forget what it looks like, then just friggin look up… you twit)

Anyway, Gary turned to begin walking towards the living room, when a gust of wind pinned him against the door.

"CHICKENS!" screamed Gary, half choking on their feathers.

Almost a hundred stray pheasants were trying to escape the gaping jaws of the Breasted Beast, flapping and squawking as they fumbled down the stairs. The wind current forced the thin figured Gary to the spot. Feathers and bird shit were flying everywhere, with Gary in the middle of it, whilst Jugley was chasing the poor buzzards around the house to the kitchen, where eventually, he caught one and ceased the chase as he began to feast.

It goes without saying. Gary was so covered, that he could have lain in the bottom of a messy chicken coop, and not be seen. And, even more traumatizing, his letters were totally shit soaked and therefore, unreadable.

Again, Gary ran to the closet under the stairs and began looking at his underwear collage.

After over a week of shit slinging and feathers flying, Gary had had enough. It seemed that he was never meant to read one of those letters. And, it appeared that Uncle Vageon and Aunt Pussytuna were pleased that the mishaps were happening, as though they too didn't want him to read the letters.

So on the 9th day, Gary had his alarm set to wake him up several minutes before the postman was due to arrive. The alarm sounded, and Gary jumped, his arms swinging uncontrollably and they inevitably hit him in the crutch. With watering eyes, Gary stumbled to the front door. He could hear the familiar bell ringing. The postman was only a few doors down. Excitement ran through him; if he could hide just one of the letters, then he could keep it until he had enough privacy to read it.

Gary thrust open the door to see the postman was now delivering the mail to number 11 Princess Drive, Gary's Neighbour Mrs. Tinkletime, the old women with a bladder problem. The bell rang again as the postman left Mrs. Tinkletime's front door. But this morning, he just rode his little tricycle straight past Gary's garden path and continued to the Cockwarmer's house, at number 15.

He grabbed the next bundle of letters out of the pink and yellow flowered basket on the front of his delivery vehicle, forced it through the slot, then turned to Gary, who's mouth was gaping in disappointment.

"HAHAHA! You dumb fuck, Gary! You thought I missed your house! HAHA!" said the huge man, as though Gary's expression amused him.

Gary's disappointment immediately changed to astonishment.

"Oh… don't you remember me Gary? I suppose, it was 9 years ago," chuckled the large man from the neighbour's front door.

The man picked up the bright pink, lace-covered vehicle, turned it around and began riding slowly towards Gary. He rode so slowly because the tricycle was very small, and the man's legs were very long and I suppose he didn't really have a lot of coordination.

Anyway, Gary just stared, astounded at the sight of the large postman. Gary had never really seen the postman; he had only ever heard the bell.

"Erm, excuse me?" said Gary quietly "but, how do you know my name and what's your name?"

"Grope-a lot Fagrid's the name!" replied the stranger, who looked even weirder on the bicycle at close range.

By this time, Gary's uncle and aunt were also at the front door. They were completely dazed by the large man talking to Gary. Fagrid stood up and forced out the kickstand on the undersized vehicle and pushed his way inside.

"Very nice house, Dickweed," commented Fagrid, "The chicken shit really matches the shit-house furniture!"

He began to roar with laughter. Uncle Vageon however, was not very impressed.

"It is PHEASANT SHIT for your information, sir… whoever you are!" retaliated Vageon.

Fagrid turned to face Vageon face to face.

"Don't fucking make me repeat the intro, you deaf bastard!"

Pussytuna huffed and led Jugley, who was gnawing half a pheasant carcass, upstairs to leave Gary and her husband to speak with the character from Chapter One. Gary showed Fagrid into the living room, where he sat on a chicken, I mean, pheasant.

"Oh, sorry 'bout that!"

"So why the fuck have you decided to invade my house?" asked Vageon, half scared, and already soiled.

"For some reason, young Gary here hasn't not yet received his invitation to 'Hardon's School of Penetration & Masturbation', the most respected school of such in London! Therefore, I has been waiting for him to come and meet me, so a I could deliver it directly to him to ensure he friggin gets to read it, without it getting flattened beyond recognition, or covered in chicken shit," Explained Fagrid.

"I've told you already, it's PHEASANT SHIT!" (A/N:…Yes, that is all Vageon could come up with). Fagrid reached into his pocket and pulled out another copy of the letter, and handed it to Gary.

_Dearest Gary,_

_It is with much pleasure that I will finally be able to invite you to attend a mass orgy with me at Hardon's School of Penetration and Masturbation. Please note, that this is the best school of its type in London and possibly the world, so you are really friggin lucky that you have been selected to join the orgy. Your parents were both excellent students and Orgyists. But before you can attend, there are several implements if you will, that need to be purchased to ensure precision penetration, and prolonged masturbation. These items are listed below._

_Items List:_

_Knife, Fork or Spoon (of your choice)_

_Bed Sheets, Clean or Dirty (however you like it)_

_One 'Easy Clean' Broom Stick_

_Pencil Sharpener (no pencils required)_

_One Vibrator (of your choice – colour, shape, etc.)_

_Gary, we look forward to your company_

_Kindest Regards,_

_Professor Fondleknob_

"So Gary, whata ya think?" asked Fagrid excitedly.

"He will not be going!" snarled Uncle Vageon. "I will not pay for some pedophilic, horny old bastard, to teach him to be a man-whore."

"Actually, we prefer the term 'Orgyist'," replied Fagrid. "Tell me Gary, have there ever been times that you think about sex, when you're angry or sad?"

"Of course… I thought that was…"

"Like I said, he will not be going!" Vageon butted in.

"And I suppose a great Fuggle like yourself is gonna stop him?" dared Fagrid.

"Fuggle?" asked Gary.

"None sexual folk… Sad, deprived bunch, really!" Fagrid answered.

With that, Fagrid stood and began making his way to the front door. When he got to the arch leading to the entry from the living room, Fagrid turned back to Gary, "Well, are ye coming Gary?"

Gary immediately jumped up with excitement, swinging his arm uncontrollably, which inevitably hit him in the crutch again. With watering eyes, Gary followed Fagrid, half limping to the front door. But when he got there, he realized there was something he was forgetting.

"I'll be right back!" he said to Fagrid.

He ran quickly to the closet under the stairs, only to grab his male underwear collage.

"Okay, ready to go now!" he answered to Fagrid's questioning eyes as he ran back to meet him in the front garden.

Fagrid lifted Gary and placed him on the tricycle behind him, and smiled, "Good lad!"

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A/N: Yay! Finally! Sorry thischappie took so long!

Gary: You are a sick minded weirdo!

RoosterEgg???

Gary: Here I was thinking Vageon was testing his camera in the bathroomto see if it was steam proof…

RoosterEgg: Oh… you mean that?

Gary: YES THAT!

RoosterEgg: … well I thought I should bring that to your attention! Besides, its taken you a while to figure it out, that happened last chapter!

Gary: Thanks a lot… 'sign' I haven't showered since i got what you said!

RoosterEgg: And I just thought you had pheasant poo on your shoe or something! LOL


End file.
